New Year, New Me (jk but I’ll try)
As another door closes on yet another failed relationship, I can’t help but wonder what it is I’m doing wrong.
At almost 31 years old, none of my relationships have lasted longer than 4 years. While I know I’m not to blame for all of the fallouts, I do take responsibility for the parts that I have played.
I should have known better than to try to date so soon after getting cheated on/ghosted by my ex-boyfriend (the 4 years one) back at the beginning of 2020 (I may share more about that eventually). As much as it didn’t really hurt at the time, I think it truly had a long-lasting effect on me which I tried to ignore. My thought process was kinda like ‘since he’s already in a new relationship, why shouldn’t I try?’ And try I did. With 3 failed relationship attempts within nearly 2 years LOL
Well, now I could name a million reasons why that wasn’t a good idea but I try not to dwell in the past anymore. I try to look back, figure out where I went wrong, and do my best to apply what I learned to the present and future.
The biggest thing that I’ve come to realize is, in the amount of time I have spent chasing unrealistic, unrequited love over the past however many years, I really could have been farther along when it comes to achieving my dreams.
Now I’m at an age where I have to continuously talk myself into not giving up and telling myself “you’re not too old” “you can still do the things you love “age is just a number” but I really only believe myself maybe half the time.
I know my life is not nearly over. I know I still have a lot of years ahead of me and plenty of room for opportunities, but sometimes it feels like I’ve completely ruined my own idea of love.
I feel like if I don’t stumble upon the love of my life within the next 3 years and start a family, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. This is absolutely just not true but that’s what society has ingrained in our brains, I guess. And when I really stop to think about it, am I really ready for everything that comes with starting a family?
Hell no.
So now, as I start another chapter of life I’m making a commitment to myself (one that I haven’t really been able to stick to for who knows how long now). I’m going to date myself, for at LEAST a year (may actually try to go longer than that). By that I mean, I’m going to focus on the things I should have been focusing on when I was in a relationship with other people (writing, dancing, making videos, taking pictures, hanging out with friends *as much as one can during a pandemic*) If I get asked on a date in that time, I may consider it (depending on the person and how I feel) but I refuse to let any more people into my life that only like the idea of being with me, and not actually following through and putting in the effort it takes to keep me.
I’m not sure how this ended up being my first blog post and I can’t promise that I won’t end up deleting it after a day like I do the rest of them. But I also made a commitment to myself to start using my voice more and to speak up when I feel I have something to say or something I want to post. I used to be so unbothered by people's opinions when I was in my early 20s, I would post what I want when I want. I would really like to emulate that same energy in my 30s.
* If you made it this far, thank you. If you were interested in what I had to say in the above or just have something to add, pls leave a comment.
